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This is the time of year when I remember the Christmas season I spent in West Germany and Austria nearly 20 years ago. I remember strolling the streets, smelling chestnuts that were literally roasting on an open fire. The scent of mulled wine. Walking through the Christkindelmarkt and seeing hand-crafted ornaments. Stopping by the live manger scene, which included a camel, a cow, and a donkey, in addition to people reenacting the scene in chilly weather. Breathing in the frosty air. Sitting at the table of friends while they worked on crafts together. Giving Christmas cookies to the train driver, and having him accept them and seem genuinely pleased. Going to the family home of friends of relatives for Christmas dinner, and eating it in the bedroom of their two-room apartment (next to a live tree with hundreds of tiny candles burning on it.) Everyone opening one or two gifts — not because it was their tradition to only open one or two gifts on Christmas Eve, but because those WERE the gifts. ALL of them. And later, hearing multiple people complain about how commercial Christmas had gotten, and how they missed the way it used to be. My jaw hit the floor each time I heard that. This was commercial? Compared to what? Certainly not the United States.

Here in the U.S., this is the time of year when people begin to stress. Are we going to offend someone if we say Merry Christmas and they don’t celebrate it? Are our lawn ornaments and lights in line with the neighbors? Do we have yet another party to go to? And then there’s shop shop shop. How can we stretch money we don’t have to buy gifts that people we may not even know that well probably don’t even want? Do we choose between slapping something we can’t afford on the credit card so that we can give gifts of equal value in the gift exchange, or feeling inadequate and guilty if we give a small gift and get something much nicer in return? And what do we do with the things we don’t want? Do we display them even though we don’t like them and they’re not our style? Do we give them to Goodwill? Do we regift? Take them back? Where do we put all this stuff? Do people really like our gifts? What if they’re just being polite?

Sometimes we want to get off the gift-giving merry-go-round. Oh, if only Sally hadn’t thrown such a fit when we suggested drawing names or only buying for the children that one year. Life would be so much easier. But we throw up our hands and blame poor Sally (who is probably just a person that gifts mean a lot to.) How do you stop giving gifts in this situation? I think that the trick is to realize that other people don’t have to agree with you. You can let people know that you’re either not going to be giving gifts at all this year, or plan to cut back, and then leave it up to them if they want to do the same or not. Of course this means that you may get gifts from people that you didn’t give to. That’s ok. Really. This isn’t the time to try to control others, or to make sure that things are “equal” in the opposite direction. This is the time to make the season the way we’d like it, while being respectful of other people’s wishes. I’ve let a few people know that I’ll be cutting back this year, reducing my list from 24 to…6 or 7. It’s hard, because I am a person that has “gift giving” as a love language. But I realized this year that most of the people I give gifts to don’t seem to feel that way. So, I will let them know I love them in other ways — hopefully ways that mean the most to them.

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