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Cutting up my credit cards was hard to do. I tried everything first: willpower/”just” not using them, sealing them in an envelope with a note on the outside, putting them away in a drawer, and freezing them in a block of ice. I wound up using them anyway, ripping open the envelope, making a trip home to get them out of the drawer, and microwaving my block of ice so that it would melt faster.

Why was it so hard to take the scissors to them?

I wasn’t using them for an emergency. (No one was bleeding.) I don’t even remember what I did  use them for, but it was probably a car repair or Christmas shopping or dinner out.

So why the resistance?

I think it was fear. To me the cards represented some kind of a safety net. I’d get out the scissors, but then let myself get caught up in the what-ifs. (What if there’s an emergency? What if I need them? What if I want to do ____ and I don’t have the money? What if I lose my job? What I don’t get my check on time? What if what if what if what if.)

One day I finished the thoughts. What if there WAS an emergency/whatever and I didn’t have my credit cards? Well, if it were a life or death situation, hospitals would have to treat me. If it were anything else…I’d wait til I did have the money. I’d be fine, and I wouldn’t owe money and interest.

I realized that credit cards were a net alright; but not a safety net. They were a net that I was stuck in, one that scooped up more of my money in exchange for an illusion of safety. I realized it was an illusion when I followed the what-ifs in the other direction.

What if I “needed” my credit cards, used them, “needed” them some more, and then ran out of room? Maybe they’d raise my limit, or I’d get another one, but eventually I would owe more and more money and at some  point I’d either be refused additional credit or be unable to pay even the minimums. What if I had an emergency then? I’d have exactly the same alternatives: be treated at the hospital or wait til I did have the money, except I’d also have a huge pile of debt and guilt hanging over my head.

So I cut them up. I didn’t do it alone, but I did do it.